Reflections on loving God, being Catholic, being a woman, being ill, loving life and anything else that comes to mind.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Sometimes There's Only the Job

Today I found a new blog, Autographed Letter Signed. The piece, Sunday Soliloquy: Chicken Soup For The Motherless Daughter’s Soul, is so heartbreakingly lovely, it made me realize that I must write one of the posts that has been ruminating in my mind these past days.

There is so much I want to do. There are so many ways I want to participate in the great drama that God continues to unfold in our nation and our world. The time I spend in bed irritates me. Doing laundry on one day should not knock me out the next and the next. I should be able to go to a friend's birthday party and then get up and do something, anything, the next day. I want to be stronger than I am and I really haven't understood why I am so overwhelmingly fatigued. Then last Monday my doctor (who is really a wonderful doctor and among my favourite people) took a look at my bloodwork and said, "Hmm. Your kidneys are only functioning at 60%."

I am rather stupid about these things particularly since I decided to stop searching the internet for every word on every report. I have no way to put all that information in context and reading Lancet* is really no help. So he explained to me that kidneys are supposed to function at 90% or better and 60% wasn't good. He did tell me that they wouldn't think of rushing me to hospital until functioning was down to 20% but I was a bit preoccupied with that 60%. He instructed me to tell my rheumatologist that I have kidney disease associated with autoimmune disease.

I don't know if the disease can be treated, if functioning can be restored. (Well it can - but you know what I mean.) And of course, the internet is still no help. This kind of kidney problem is the most difficult to treat but who, besides a doctor, knows what that means. My rheumatologist will have all the information this week and hopefully, she will have more answers.

But I do understand why I am so much weaker, so overwhelmingly fatigued. Right now, my primary job is to be ill and so I shall do the best job I can. And when I can type out a few coherent paragraphs or twitter 140 characters that make sense, I shall.

To do the job, that's enough. I needn't define it - I can't define it. But when it presents itself, when it stares you in the face, when you know this is the job I must do, the only thing is to do it. And to be grateful that God trusts us so much. And maybe He'll have a different job for me next month.

*I think I have previously intimated my nerdiness. I understand a subscription to Lancet is absolute proof.

** Two friends have already offered me kidneys which is just so absolutely lovely but let's still hope I don't need them.


Warren said...

You just made my day. I think it's awesome that you read Lancet.

Hooray for nerdiness. :-)


Melanie B said...

"Right now, my primary job is to be ill and so I shall do the best job I can."

This made me think of Milton: "They also serve who only stand and wait."

I know how hard it is when your job is suffering. It's not exactly the same but similar to when I was in my first trimester with each of my babies. I was so ill and exhausted all the time. My primary job was growing a baby but at that point the experience of it was really just being ill. When you are too tired and ill to pray and all there is is just an effort to will that it is somehow for the good.

In the daily office we often pray for those who are ill that they may effectively unite their suffering to Christ's and I often think of you. It is not an easy burden; but it is a great blessing to be chosen by him to suffer greatly.

I pray that many consolations will be yours.

Sibyl said...

May the Lord of Life meet you where you are, envelop you, uphold, undergird, strengthen, direct, and guide you, body, soul and spirit.
May the Bread of Life enter nurture, feed you.

May the KING of kings intervene and reign and restore HIs order to every part, every atom, cell, function, structure of your body.
May He direct every property of your medications to benefit and not harm you. May The Comforter, Teacher guide and train every thought, belief, feeling, sensation, and impulse.
May The Friend, Brother, Father, Mother coordinate every encounter and your benefit and encouragement and edification and enable you to trust Him and entrust yourself to Him let go and let Him be dwell in praise and thanksgiving for the LOVE that never dies and the TRUTH that never bends, compromises or changes and for the LIFE that never ends.
May The All in All God of the Universe, Father, Son and Holy Spirit bring all things under His Power to work for your best interest and benefit.

May His Holy blessings, order, freedom, joy and peace, the Peace of Jerusalem, reign over you and in you, now and forever. Amen

Georgia said...

You are in my heart, thoughts and prayers.


Job 42:10
II Corinthians 1:3-4