Reflections on loving God, being Catholic, being a woman, being ill, loving life and anything else that comes to mind.

Monday, July 27, 2009

I'm At Home Again

By the grace of God, I'm home. In bed much of the time (I've slept most of the past two weeks), hoping there is a way to rebuild strength, willing to change my life and accept being disabled if that is what I must do. The chemo has treated many of those things that were killing me but it brings with it overwhelming side affects. The treatment is not worse than the illness but it's at least as debillitating. I can truly say, making it through these past few months has been the hardest thing I've ever done: we truly underestimate ourselves and what God can do with us.

It's hard to imagine what God can do with me right now. He'll work that out. I know that now better than I did a year ago when I was out sick for three and one-half months. What a difference a year of suffering makes.

A few days ago, I dreamt that I had taken a temporary job in God the Father's Office. My supervisor decided that I should spend part of each day working on some special projects with the Father Himself. After lunch I was to go and meet Him. I had a doctor's appointment and told her I might be late. I also mentioned that I would stop and get some jelly beans while I was out. She told me the Father likes the green ones. My appointment ran late but I love jelly beans and hurried to the shop to get them. They had no separate bags of the green kind so I bought only my usual bag of mixed ones. I returned to the office concerned at my tardiness, couldn't find my supervisor so just decidied to ask the angels to point me to the Father's office.

As I approached the innermost sanctum, I became more and more concerned about seeing Him. This was God, the Holiest of Holies and I was too small and too silly and too messed up to see Him. No one else was at all concerned, they just sped me on my way. And when I arrived at the Father's suite of offices, the angel at reception didn't know what I'd be doing but told me I should just go in and see Him; the angel didn't think my opinions about myself had much to do with it. I looked up, and saw the Father's schedule up on the wall and there was my name indicating that I was to spend several hours with Him.

Behind reception was a small hallway with two or three doors. I tried one but it seemed to be a closet. I tried another and there was my supervisor going over schedules with an enormous Person. He was someone I could never have imagined. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry or bow or run away and hide. I thought maybe the Person was a woiman and then, thought, No, maybe He's a man. And then I didn't think anything at all about Him because He asked me a question: Did you bring the green jelly beans?

I was a bit frightened because I didn't have a separate bag for Him but then I found myself saying, I have some green jelly beans at my desk. I'd be happy to get them for You. The Father nodded to me and I returned to my desk and picked all the green jelly beans from my bag of assorted flavours and put them in a bowl for Him.

I think we make things more difficult than they need to be. A year ago, I couldn't stand to be at home alone, couldn't imagine what God might do with me and that drove me crazy. Today, having a shower is exhausting and the question of what God will do with me usually has nothing to do with it - I just need to get dry. These days He seems to want green jelly beans and is patient when I'm late, patient while I pick them out of the bag. And it's good there was no separate bag of the green kind because then God would have only had one flavour. But there are several different flavours of green jelly beans in the bag of mixed ones and I am happy to have the task of picking them out for Him.

PS - I'm hoping to post more often but writing is also exhausting so we'll just see how it goes. I have put my laptop on my bed (reason to have a large bed when you're single - there's space to create a study/TV area) so we'll see.