Reflections on loving God, being Catholic, being a woman, being ill, loving life and anything else that comes to mind.

Saturday, February 27, 2010

Stretching My Heels

For me, giving up would be easy, just taking to my bed and not getting out of it unless absolutely necessary. I'd quickly become weaker and weaker and then I'd never leave my bed. And it would be understandable: I am on so much medication for so many different parts of this illness and now, with this second round of chemo, am so additionally knocked out and in so much more pain, getting out of bed is a chore. My chore.

Entering my bathroom requires a small step up - about two to two and one-half inches, it's an old apartment and the small strip of flooring at the doorway is the original marble so there must have always been a step up. It's the perfect place to stretch my heels.

I stand facing into the bathroom, my toes at the edge of the marble riser, my instep and heels hanging over the hallway flooring and, balancing myself by gently laying my palms on either side of the door frame, I lower my heels until they brush the floor, hold it for eight slow counts and then rise into relevé which I also hold for eight slow counts. Then I repeat the entire sequence another four times, take a break to take my Advair, and do a second set. My first trip to the bathroom becomes an opportunity to keep my heels and calves stretched and my feet strong.

Thus far, it doesn't ease the pain but it prevents the pain tight muscles and tendons would cause. And, it prevents me walking on my toes like a chicken - the chicken walk is most unattractive. It also breaks the pattern of getting out of bed only when absolutely necessary; it even seems to help me make my bed and treat the day as something I must live, in which I act, rather than something I must get through until it's time to take my night meds. It's a little piece of building a new life even when I don't have the strength or energy to think of what that life might be.

Thank God for all that dancing. It's now time for breakfast and I have not only said my prayers (just an Our Father and my usual talking to God but I'll writie about that later), I've stretched my heels and written a post. Not bad for an early morning's work.


Carol said...

You're breaking my heart.. prayers for you.

Georgia said...

The Word of the Lord:

Psalm 46:10 - *Be still* and *know* IAM GOD.

BE STILL: Rapha means to cease, *quit, give up*, let go, rest, be lazy, slothful, die, and nearly the same word as be healed. (Jehovah Rapha is our healer)

KNOW: This kind of *know* is like marital love, emotional, physical and spiritual union. The relationship with God and Israel is a marriage covenant. The Church is the Bride of Christ.
Mary said, 'How can this be seeing I do not *know* a man?'
This is eternal life to *know* Thee, the only true GOD and Jesus Christ whom Thou hast sent." (John 17:3)

Jesus said, 'Come unto me and I will give you rest.'

Let HIM carry you, let HIM love you, Let HIM work out these things. He is your Sovereign, Warrior, Defender, Advocate, Creator, Father, Physician, Savior, Companion, Sanctifyer, Path, Light, Teacher, Shepherd, Substitute Sacrifice/Scapegoat, Peace, He is your Life and your All in All.

Holy dear Abba Father,
Please lift and carry your beloved daughter Drusilla. Be her defender and every thing, action, defense she needs. Be strong while she is weak. (II Corinthians 12:9) Be her peace (Ephesians 2:14) her rest (Matthew 11 and Hebrews 3)
her medicine, food, drink, clothing, pearl of great price, treasure, redeemer, her strength. Give her strength to let go and let you work. Please surround her with love, sing her songs of deliverance and joy in the night. (Job 35:10, Zephaniah 3:17, Psalm 42:8, Psalm 118:4, Isaiah 5:1)

Be her everlasting light, consolation, habitation, strength, covenant, joy, mercy, life.

In the holy eternal authority and power-filled NAME of Jesus Christ,

Drusilla said...

Thanks Georgia. He is carrying me.

And I really do believe that part of that is giving me the strength to do in baby steps what I once did in grand leaps. Maybe I won't ever be as strong as I was but if I give up and just take to my bed, I will die.

I've been given the strength to do a little - not much but a little. The rest of the time I am still. Is that not how it should be?

PS - thanks for your email. I'm way backed up on answering them. A friend is making arrangements for me to receive the eucharist at least more often. That will be such a consolation.

KathleenLundquist said...

Drusilla, I'm so grateful for your posts. Your descriptions of your experience bring Christ close to me. Every time I stop by your blog, I'm challenged to actually engage with the suffering in my own life (a brother with worsening mental illness, who abused me as a child), and to really feel my feelings as I work to take care of him. And to see the suffering Christ as my companion.

Thank you again. Praying for you.